The wink...

I think seeing the light at the end of this tunnel has just made me a bit nostalgic.
Yesterday Mike and I were in the hospital cafeteria eating lunch and we found ourselves reminiscing about the past 6 months.
You know, when the surgeon came out after Presley's surgery on Monday,
I was in true dork fashion when he left, I jumped up and down, and I made Mike give me a high five!
The culmination of it all had just made me so giddy.
Because, along with all the pain and anguish of the last 6 months, there is also so much that I am proud of, and happy about.
First and foremost, I think of Presley and all that she has endured and pulled through.
I am so proud to be her mommy,
she is my hero!
However, I also can't help but think about Mike and I.
I think of all the internal shifts and changes within us,
that go along with all the external happenings of the last 6 months.
Even though we were both completely unaware just how hard these last several months would be,
Mike reassured me early on, that it would all be okay...
On the morning, of the day that Pres was born,
Mike and I were still unaware of the results from the test performed,
to see if Presley would have Down syndrome.
It had been one week of waiting.
I don't think I could ever articulate accurately what that week of waiting was like.
I prayed,
I cried,
and I felt like I was living someone else's life.
All I can say is, it was dark.
No matter what time of day, it was dark.
About 3 hours after my arrival to the hospital, on the day Pres was to be born, my OB, Dr. B, finally came into the room.
Mike was about 10 feet from me, leaning against the sink.
Dr. B was at my side, on a stool.
He held my hand and looking at me, then to Mike, slowly and a bit hesitantly, he said...
'Well, the results of the amnio came back and it does look as if she has Down syndrome'.
I remember looking at Mike...
I don't know if it was because time stood still,
but I will never, in all of my days, forget what he did...
Mike looked at me, with a half smile on his face,
and he winked.
I don't remember much after that. I don't know what else Dr. B said,
I don't recall if Mike and I hugged when he left,
I don't remember crying with him...
I know we did both, we hugged and we cried. But I just don't remember it specifically.
But I do remember the wink.
I can still see that wink.
I think because in that moment, I felt like my world was crashing,
in that moment, I felt like I was getting the worst news I have ever heard in my life,
but from across the room,
the man in my life,
was telling me,  with that wink, that it was going to be okay,
that we were going to be okay.
And we have been.
Goodness, we have come so far.
Not only do Mike and I embrace our little lovely and all that she entails.
We also accept the realities of what goes with it all.
We understand that if people don't know our little angel... to them she is Down syndrome,
that is what they see, a seemingly sad diagnosis and the medical issues that go with it.
They don't see Presley.
But in the beginning, I also struggled with this perception and I am her mother...so I would never expect more from others.
I understand this now, and I am okay with it.
Mike and I realize,
and accept,
that people who don't have a child with special needs,
more specifically, a child with Down syndrome,
will never really understand it when we say we feel so very blessed.
Everyone has there own personal journey...
Where as, I learned long ago to never look at another's life with envy,
because you never truly know what their journey is about,
it has taken the presence of Presley, for me to realize the flip side of that...
to never look at a person's life and feel badly for them,
because again,
you aren't walking their path to know the beauty of their story,
their whole story.
Mike and I have a story.
I think it is a beautiful story,
but it is real...
Which means it has good chapters and bad chapters.
But what is consistent throughout, is that we are in it together.
I feel very blessed to have Mike in my life,
a man, that in the midst of his own devastation, felt compelled to send me a sign of reassurance.
He told me with that wink, and many times since,
that, 'we can do this'...
WE. CAN. DO. THIS.
We can, we have, and we are!

So, to the man behind the wink, 'High five, thumbs up, V for victory, double high five and all the other dorky stuff that comes from this goof ball wife of yours! I am proud of us and iloveyou.'