Yesterday I posted that Presley had a cardiac catherization done on Thursday. I didn't elaborate on the fact that she was intubated (still on a ventilator) after the procedure because our hope was to get her extubated (off the ventilator) the following morning.
Her cardiologist intentionally kept her intubated so that he could keep her sedated over night, as to not move the leg he manipulated during her cardiac cath.
Yesterday, I went to the hospital in the hopes that she would have an uneventful extubation. This was not to be. When they went to extubate her, I stepped out of the room. When what should of only taken a few minutes dragged out a bit longer, I peeked in to see what was going on. Presley was not doing well. She got so angry when they started messing with her and threw, 'a Presley', as I now refer to her tantrums. The thing with these tantrums is, Pres just doesn't have the reserve or energy to support them. Therefore, she gets in major distress and turns blue and gets into very serious trouble.
Long to short, she was reintubated. The powers at be have decided to keep her on the ventilator until her surgery Monday morning.
That is the medical side of it. The emotional side of it?...
Well, for the very first time today I saw defeat in my daughters eyes. I can't explain it. She was so swollen, she was so red, her body seemed to shake and her eyes were completely bloodshot. She lay there looking at me in complete despair. She could barely muster the energy to open those eyes and look at me, but she did. I know she was trying to communicate with me. I know she was asking me "How much more mommy? How much more?"
I can't articulate the pain I feel today. The doubt I feel. That look in Presley's eyes made me question everything. What if none of this goes the way it is supposed to? What if they can't help her? How in the world can one surgery make all this go away? It just seems too impossible, too unbelievable. It seems too good to be true.
I keep telling myself to stop, I scream inside my head...'STOP!' I hate the idea that I could manifest bad things with these thoughts. But it is as if someone else is inside me and I can't make them go away. I can't pray right now. I just can't. I mean I say the words... 'Lord, I beg you to take care of my daughter' But I just can't find my faith. I keep questioning and doubting. And mostly, I wonder... what if my hope and prayer, isn't His will?
What if my will, isn't His will?
And I ask Him, just as Presley asks me, 'How much more??' Seriously, how much more?
I know there have been times in my life when I say to someone 'Oh, I will say a prayer for you' and to be honest, it doesn't go much further than that. I get busy or feel overcome by my own issues and never send that prayer upward. We all do this. But please, even if it is just for a brief moment after reading this post, please say a prayer for this sweet child. Pray she doesn't lose her fight, pray that the Lord heal my sweet daughter. I don't want to see that look in her eyes again. I don't want any mommy to see that look in their child's eyes. It is utterly heartbreaking.
Again, thank you. Thank you for the prayers and for stopping by to check in on my girl.
Her cardiologist intentionally kept her intubated so that he could keep her sedated over night, as to not move the leg he manipulated during her cardiac cath.
Yesterday, I went to the hospital in the hopes that she would have an uneventful extubation. This was not to be. When they went to extubate her, I stepped out of the room. When what should of only taken a few minutes dragged out a bit longer, I peeked in to see what was going on. Presley was not doing well. She got so angry when they started messing with her and threw, 'a Presley', as I now refer to her tantrums. The thing with these tantrums is, Pres just doesn't have the reserve or energy to support them. Therefore, she gets in major distress and turns blue and gets into very serious trouble.
Long to short, she was reintubated. The powers at be have decided to keep her on the ventilator until her surgery Monday morning.
That is the medical side of it. The emotional side of it?...
Well, for the very first time today I saw defeat in my daughters eyes. I can't explain it. She was so swollen, she was so red, her body seemed to shake and her eyes were completely bloodshot. She lay there looking at me in complete despair. She could barely muster the energy to open those eyes and look at me, but she did. I know she was trying to communicate with me. I know she was asking me "How much more mommy? How much more?"
I can't articulate the pain I feel today. The doubt I feel. That look in Presley's eyes made me question everything. What if none of this goes the way it is supposed to? What if they can't help her? How in the world can one surgery make all this go away? It just seems too impossible, too unbelievable. It seems too good to be true.
I keep telling myself to stop, I scream inside my head...'STOP!' I hate the idea that I could manifest bad things with these thoughts. But it is as if someone else is inside me and I can't make them go away. I can't pray right now. I just can't. I mean I say the words... 'Lord, I beg you to take care of my daughter' But I just can't find my faith. I keep questioning and doubting. And mostly, I wonder... what if my hope and prayer, isn't His will?
What if my will, isn't His will?
And I ask Him, just as Presley asks me, 'How much more??' Seriously, how much more?
I know there have been times in my life when I say to someone 'Oh, I will say a prayer for you' and to be honest, it doesn't go much further than that. I get busy or feel overcome by my own issues and never send that prayer upward. We all do this. But please, even if it is just for a brief moment after reading this post, please say a prayer for this sweet child. Pray she doesn't lose her fight, pray that the Lord heal my sweet daughter. I don't want to see that look in her eyes again. I don't want any mommy to see that look in their child's eyes. It is utterly heartbreaking.
Again, thank you. Thank you for the prayers and for stopping by to check in on my girl.
20 comments:
My heart aches for you and I am at a loss for more words.Hard to believe,I know! I will only say again,let us help you, by letting us pray. It is about all we can do for you right now.I am adding a post this morning for all who comes to our site to link over to you and meet your beautiful family and your beautiful butterfly.Try and keep busy. Try and take a big breathe,even for a brief moment. Try and keep the faith that He is right beside you,guiding you and ready to carry you when you become weary. I know you already are weary but His strength will see you through. I know it is difficult to see in this moment but right now it may be the only thing that sees you through this.He will see you all through this.We have to believe.
My sweet, sweet, precious friend,
my heart is aching for u. I truly know how you feel, the heartbreaking for your child and feeling helpless, I've been though it for the pass 3 months. I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now. Only mine is for my special needs teenager who is 19, mentally 14-16, wanting to be on her own in another state, trying to live in this cruel world and making really bad choices that could get her hurt or killed. Fear of the unknown is the worst. But let me just tell you the only way I can get through this is "I Know GOD is a gracious GOD and he is in control", he know how you and your family are feeling and going through. HE will give you the strength to get you through these next few day. My counselor the other day told me
1.To knowledge my fears, say it out loud or write it down. And then face it and it will go away. How to face it is to pray everyday, when I get up in the morning before my day starts, to tell "GOD to take it away today give me peace in my heart and soul and to protect my daughter. Tell him that the devils is not in control of my life today and everyday." (I'm feeling much better in a week) so you do this too.
2. Close your eyes take several deep breaths, feel your body being filled with energy.
3.Find a Christian book (Lake Pointe Library or book store) about what you are going through, read about what the people did, how they got through it.
4.Take walks by myself to clear your head.
5.Find scripture- Remember the verse where it says he will not give you more than what you cannot handle. The poem "Footprints" where there was 2 footprints in the sand and then only one because God was carrying them, LET GOD CARRY YOU THROUGH THIS! And my favorite "I can do all thing through GOD who give me strength!" Even though you cannot physical pray GOD knows your heart and your prayers.
6.And let your pride go bye-bye for now, and let people help you anyway they want too and what you need done. I had to do that and it's hard. I know you probably don't feel like talking to all the people who calls, let someone else do it for you, just e-mail or text. That is what I had to do.
And one more thing, I have two post it notes on my computer that helps me get through the days. I want to share them with you.
Happiness keeps you sweet, Trials keep you strong, Sorrow keeps you Human, Failure Keeps you Humble,Success keeps you Glowing, But GOD keeps you Going!
"The will of GOD will never take you to where the Grace of GOD will not protect you!
Lots of people are praying for your family. "POWER OF PRAYER!"
Sorry this was long but I hope I helped! I felt GOD put these words in my heart to share with my friends!
Prayers and Blessing to you and your family.
Joella
Hi Kele,
I'm Heather's daughter, Caitlin, Zoey's big sister.
Presley is in my thoughts and I have been sending up constant little prayers for her and for you all today and yesterday. For strength, for perseverance, and for trust.
None of this makes sense, all of it sucks, and it's just tough--I know how it feels.
Music seemed to be one of the few things that brought me and my mom a kind of peace...a song came to my mind that for some reason made me want to post the lyrics for you...
"Hold Fast" by Mercy Me
'To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast
Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope
You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes'
"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us..." Romans 8:26
With Presley in my heart,
Caitlin
Kel--I had not read this when I called this morning. I just sent you an email. It reiterates what I have said to you before and also what Heather said above. Let us pray for you, let us hold you and Mike up right now, let us be your strength. You just keep looking in Presley's eyes.
I love you.
Kim
Dear Kele,
those are horrible moments, I know the pain when a mother is questioning what happens in hospitals too well. I asked myself the same questions, how much more can my little baby take? The thing is, you have no options. Everything just happens. But you do the most important thing, you are there for your baby and she knows that she is loved. And if those times are there, when you just think you have no strenght anymore to go through all this, just remember your little one smiling and that will give you all the power you need. I will pray for you and your little very sweet babygirl. Hang in there!
Love,
Claudia
Kele and Mike,
These are tough times....I would bet that if someone told you 6 months ago what you would be enduring, you would've said "no way....I can't do it!" And just look---you've done it! His strength is sufficient. There is a verse that reads "He is faithful when I am faithless." Remember that God understands our frustrations. You may be having trouble finding your faith right now but just remember that at the moment you became HIS, he grabbed hold of you and scripture promises that HE NEVER LETS GO.
I love you. I love ALL of you. I am praying for you. You will all get through this. Hold on to the Lord. Hold on to each other.
<>< Emily
Kele,
I promise to keep you and sweet Presley in my prayers. I can only imagine how difficult all of this is for you but I know there are better days ahead. Please don't give up...He is still with you.
Tera
I'm praying RIGHT now... as I type... for your beautiful little girl. I know how it feels to wonder how much your child can take. I'm praying hard that she keeps fighting and never gives up. I'm praying that God's will is the same as yours... as all of ours. I'm praying for you... it's so hard to be the mom sometimes, knowing your child is unhappy, in pain, and there's nothing you can do. Please keep us posted. I PROMISE to keep praying.
Kele - I'm so sorry to hear you are down. Just remember, there are lots of people that love you and love Presley. You are not in this alone. You have every right to be spent, to be down, to be questioning, doubtful, etc. Being Presley's mother, things like this effect you more than they ever could anyone else. It's part of being a mother. Just please know that you have a strong support system. And when you can't pray, we will pray harder. God hasn't forgotten you & Presley. We will make sure of that. Love you & please give Presley a kiss for me. Tell her Aunt Kristy loves her!!
Kele - I also wanted to let you know that you guys are being added to the prayer list at Barb's church tomorrow, so you'll have lots of people praying for Presley. Also, the nice ladies at DSAH asked me to let them know when the surgery was so they could send a prayer request to their members. I've done that, so hopefully we'll get some prayers there too. Either way, please know people are praying & will continue to pray. I hope this helps. Please try and take a moment to catch your breath tomorrow & gear up emotionally for Monday. If you need anything at all you know all you have to do is call. Love you!!
Kele,
I'm here praying for you while you can't. I won't even begin to think I know what you are going through. I just want you to know that I love you and your family, and I'm so proud of all that you are doing. You are truely one amazing mother and God blessed Presley with just the right family.
Kele,
I have tears in my eyes because of the pain you are going through. I will pray for Presley and you! That is a promise! I actually have already been praying for her all weekend knowing her surgery is coming up tomorrow. I just posted on my blog to get as many prayers reaching Heaven for all of you! I can't tell you what God's will is for you and Presley, but the Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. So let's get so many praying that the prayers are reaching Heaven without ceasing. Your faith is there, Kele. Don't let the devil deceive you. He wants you to believe it could go away so easily. We all go through that. I could go on and on about this, but I am going to stop here now. I am turning off my computer, going to my bedroom, getting out my Bible and praying for your precious daughter and of course for you, too! I want you to feel God's presence in your life now more than ever. Going to go pray!
I believe that once this surgery is behind you, things will get better. After all, that is what the surgery is for......to make things better.
Think of Throwing A Presley as a show of strength. A good thing.
And keep telling her that once she gets through this surgery she won't have to worry so much about how much more. The major hurdle will be behind all of you.
Sometimes keeping hold of the faith is really hard. These are the times that you remember we are here and you hold on to our faith.
I want you to remember that. It's important. Lean on us. Borrow our faith. If nothing else my experience with Parker's surgeries have taught me that.
If you trust me, and would like to borrow a bit more of my faith, ask your hospital to get a hold of the Mormon Elders to give Presley a blessing.
The power in a blessing is the stuff of miracles. I promise. Parker is a prime example of that.
You don't have to be LDS for this. This is simply another way of borrowing somebody else's faith for a minute.
And, no. You won't have to worry about the Elders coming by again to try and convert you. :D
I promise that too.
Praying for your family!
My prayers will definitely be with you, Presley, and the doctors tomorrow as she has her surgery. Praying there will be no complications and this will be an answer to prayers for her health. Praying she'll be able to come home soon.
I put Presley's surgery on the prayer list for First Baptist Church in Bronte when I got to Athens on Sunday. I can't begin to imagine what you all are going through, but somehow we have to have faith that God is in control. He will get you through.
Great Aunt Patsy and Great Grandma are praying for you Presley. I know you are in surgery now, so while I pray for you, your mommie and daddy are in my prayers too. Hold on Kele and Mike, we can be your strength right now. Love you all!
We will be saying many prayers for you and Presley. She is fighter!!
Kele... This is Shelley Connett. I am soo sorry that this is my first note. You have been in my thoughts & will be in my prayers. I will pray for that precious little angel. You know I knew God put a special strength inside of you for some reason. You have always just had a way about you and God only chooses & creates very special people to handle these situations. You know he won't give you more than you can handle, right. So baby girl press on, stay strong, because in reality, only God can break through & through all of this, he will use that precious angel and you as well to touch many lives. One you touched is mine. The strength in your words have truly moved me. You know what, she was not defeated, because God was holding her, even though she was agitated, she was in His big comforting arms, and you are too! I love you sweety and I promise you this, my I have added a daily prayer to my list. Life is hard, but God is good.Just find faith, find it, you can and I know you will. God please touch little Presley and keep her in your healing arms and bring needed comfort to this broken family.
Your will IS His will! And, I know the look. I saw it when they tried to move Elliot after his spinal surgery. I know. It was the hardest thing in the world to witness. You will get through this. Presley will get through this. All prayers dedicated to you, your family and dear, sweet Presley tonight. Promise! Much love!
Elliot and Michelle
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