Love ya Rachel!
~ peace~
I have had a vague feeling of discontentment for quiet some time now, not really knowing the derivative. I have often thought I knew what to blame, or who to blame, the source changing, depending on the day. Needless to say, while I have wallowed in this place, time is flying by and my children are growing, and lately, I have not been as fully present as I should be.
It is knowing this, and going to bed each night feeling guilty, seeing these faces flash before me...
Yes, it is these faces that has made me do some major soul searching, some down on my knees begging and asking the Lord to help me find the answers, help me find the peace I need to enjoy the many blessings He has bestowed upon me.It will be cathartic for me to share what I have discovered, and perhaps it will touch someone else, those are always the two things I hope for when writing in this friend of mine of the last two years, my sweet blog.
Let's just hope that you can all still love me after sharing this raw, and not so pretty revelation...
I have been selfish and self centered
I have taken and rarely given
I have been easily offended and offensive
I pray for me, and seldom for others
I ask daily what the Lord can do for me, and almost never, what I can do to serve Him
I have put my expectations and hopes of happiness in 'things' and people, and not the Lord
I judge people while demanding I not be judged myself
I expect so much of others in my life, while giving very little myself
I call on the Lord only when I 'need' or want something from Him
I have a notebook with pages of much more, that is what I have been doing the past few weeks, taking a pen, opening a notebook and asking the Lord to speak to me. I write without thinking, and write, and write, often being surprised at what I am seeing before me, but it is all real, it is all my truth and I know it is time... time for change.
The thing is, it is so easy for me to slowly veer away from the Lord, this magnificent God that has seen me through all I have needed Him to, saving my soul after Presley was born, raising my daughter from her sick and fragile beginnings, to the perfect being she is today. But when His work is done, when all is good again, I allow myself to walk away from Him. He sends me signs, a nagging feeling of discontentment here or there, but it often takes a sadness or difficulty to engulf me before I allow myself to be aware of His presence calling me back. And then, as any good Father, He is there for me and takes me back.
Last night I went to the chapel and I asked Him for forgiveness, then I prayed. I prayed for an hour, for everyone and anyone BUT me. I prayed for my Aunt Mary's mother, struggling with breast cancer, my friend Joella's pain and worry for her daughter, for Jaxson's health, peace for Lacey, for my dear friend, Carie, who's heart is in a million pieces right now, for the people of Haiti, for safety in my sister's travels, I prayed for people who have hurt me, and for those that I have hurt, I prayed for people I don't know, for the cold and hungry, for the children without homes, I prayed... I prayed for others and thanked the Lord for my many blessings and asked for nothing, except to show me how I can better serve Him.
I felt so at peace. So completley content.
This morning I decided not to take the kids to school, I needed them, I needed to be a fully present Mommy today. As we sit in exhaustion from painting, baking and building, them snuggled next to me watching a movie, waiting for Daddy's arrival, I write this... feeling more content and at peace than I have in several months.
12 comments:
I LOVE this post! I am SO glad you chose to re-post this! I find myself in the same frame of mind, a lot of the time. In fact, possibly even now. I have tears streaming down my face as I type. Thank you, thank you, for this. I needed it! xoxo
I love you... even more right now.
Btw, you drove me nuts with this post last night. I saw it in my blogroll and when I came to your blog it wasn't here. It took some time but I finally figured out you must have pulled it. Best move you ever made putting it back.
“Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.”~Martin Luther King, Jr. quotes
This process,that you just waded through,that you continue to journey with,is one that you should be so proud of yourself for doing and even more so,for sharing.One that we all can learn from and exemplify.A shining example of humanness.Thank you for feeling strong enough the second time around to hit publish...
i can completely relate. but i also think a person is their own hardest critic. you can easily cut everyone else slack and give second chances, but it's hard to do the same for oneself. we all go through moments in time, sometimes long...sometimes short...where we shut down for a bit. we avoid. we "half-ass" things. perhaps because or minds need a complete break but that just isn't possible when you are married or have kids. there is no break in life so you have times where you just can't be super woman ;) i think you are an amazing mom and you don't give yourself enough credit. sometimes you need to be selfish, sometimes you need to take care of yourself. but i in no way see you as a person where it's all about you 24/7, 365 days. hey some moms are like, i know some. lol. you are a great mom and a great person. and you give a lot more love than you think. i agree with heather...it's all a journey and it can't be sunshine and roses all the time. :) if it were we wouldn't appreciate anything in life. big hugs to you!
You are so beautiful both inside and out. I think you definitely have a diffent way of perceiving yourself than of how others perceive you. As I read all the things you wrote about yourself I found myself disagreeing with you. You seem to always be so caring towards others. But the bottom line is that you weren't feeling right about yourself and you did the right thing by bowing before God and look what peace you have now. Thanks so much for sharing this!!
I read it last night but it was late and I didnt comment, I was going to today. Anyway I think it was a wonderful post and I am glad it was reposted. I think so many times bloggers just put the "pretty" stuff out here when in reality it is not always pretty at all (not that we don't have really great times with our families). You are real and hopefully others will be doing some soul searching too. God Bless ya girl
I am glad that my email encouraged you. There is too much to say in a comment (especially after reading what you just wrote on my site), so I'm off to send you another email. :)
I think that we are our best as well as hardest critics, you have had the guts to be honest with yourself, and what's even greater, to share what you feel with all of us, this makes you a very brave person, I love it that you could. Remember none of us are perfect, it's called being human.
Kele,
i am so happy you re-posted it! I think we all feel this way at some time or another, but often times do not admit it to ourselves let alone other people. We are our own harshest critics, so hopefully you are not too hard on yourself! beautiful post!
Great post. I loved it and it made me reflect on so much in my life and how I deal with things. Thanks for sharing!
Oh I just love you. Thank you for sharing this. I actually saw the title of your post the other day over on Zoey's blogroll it hadn't popped up on mine yet and when I clicked on it it said the post was no longer available...I have been meaning to email you to check in on you, I am so glad you reposted. I know for myself I have been going through the discontented and unsettled yuck feelings lately as well and trying to get myself back to that good place, but you reminded me that starts on my knees.
Your ditch school and hang with mom day sounds fabulous!!! xoxo
That is AWESOME girl! I love seeing God work in people and them accept what they are learning and growing from what God has shown them.
Thank you for being an open example for all of us.
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